


only if we could just stay like this

by iceice_ty



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bittersweet, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27358747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceice_ty/pseuds/iceice_ty
Summary: Mark supposed that all his good karma was finally coming around. After a disastrous friends-with-benefits arrangement over the summer and the painful ghosting in the fall, he truly deserved some good luck in the romance department.Mark, however, did not suppose that his well-deserved good luck would come in the form of tall, dimpled, senior lacrosse captain Jung Jaehyun.NTF #070
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Mark Lee
Kudos: 69
Collections: nct title fest 2020





	only if we could just stay like this

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably my most personal fic I will ever write because so much of the fundamental characterizations and plot are taken directly from my life and experiences. This fic was simultaneously the easiest and most difficult i've written, and I hope whoever prompted the title enjoys it! I hope all of you readers enjoy it, it's an excellent story and i'm glad i got to tell it. So without further ado, please enjoy my jaemark (essentially self-insert) fic!!

Mark didn’t really know Jaehyun. They had a few mutual acquaintances and shared two classes, one of which was gym. Mark, a junior, didn’t even know who Jaehyun was until one day he caught Mark’s eye during a soccer game. Mark had been switching between defense and midfield as he was needed when he finally focused on the guy on his team who kept scoring. Paying a bit more attention he heard Yuta, another senior who he knew and had biochemistry with, call out “Jung!” and Mr. Scorer whipped around. Mark felt a flash of interest, after all the boy was handsome. Deep dimples and broad shoulders. His hair was sticking a bit to his forehead but he showed no other evidence of the hour they’ve just spent playing soccer out in the early November sun. It was still warm enough for t-shirts and he’s definitely spent most of the game tearing down the field. Mark was impressed. And then the coach’s whistle blew and the moment passed, Mark forcing his head back into the game.

It wasn’t until Seulgi, another one of Mark's friends in biochemistry had to move seats for their Tuesday lab room because she couldn’t see the board well enough that Mark ever spoke to… Jung, he supposed. Mark switched seats with her and then looked up and realized he recognized the deep dimples and brown hair seated across from him.

“Hey,” Mark said as he leaned down to pull out his pencil case and notebook, grunting slightly when he tugged his folder for worksheets out. It was getting heavy, he’d need to clean it out soon. Jung smiled back politely and Mark felt the overwhelming urge to explain why he was sitting here instead of his usual seat three rows ahead. “Um, Seulgi, she’s a friend, uh she told me she couldn’t see Dr. Byun’s handwriting from her seat in this room so she asked to switch, so here I am.” Mark wanted to slam his head into the desk, way to ramble on for ages. This Jung guy almost certainly didn’t need to hear a whole life story for why he has a new tablemate.

Jung chuckled softly, eyes scrunching shut as he pulled out his own notebook, significantly more beat up than Mark’s and a pencil. “It’s cool dude. Nice to meet you.”

Mark nodded, and before he needed to worry about continuing the conversation their teacher greeted the class. Saved by the bell, Mark supposed.

🥍

Mark loved Yeri, he really did. She was smart and nice and they shared several classes this year. She was really into biochemistry and tried very hard to look good for their teacher, which made Mark--her lab partner--also look good. But sometimes, just occasionally, she was overbearing. And slightly uncomfortably flirty. The past few days she’d really been clinging to him, finding him in the library, walking to classes together, and asking him out for plans after school. Mark didn’t want to hurt her feelings, though, so he usually let it all slide. But he was just so tired. It was the last two weeks before winter holiday break and Mark is _swamped_ in work. Every teacher he has assigned like three major assignments a piece and he hasn’t slept a full night practically all month. Plus it’s junior year, so grades are so important for colleges.

So when Yeri starts trying to chat with him while doing the review packet their biochemistry teacher had given them, Mark feigned needing to ask Jaehyun a question and swerved around in his seat. Jaehyun and Yuta, his seatmate, look up, and Jaehyun cocks his head slightly. “Mark? What’s up?”

Mark smiles, hoping he looks less awkward than he feels. He tilts his head very slightly towards Yeri and says “Do either of you know what question 10 is supposed to be?” Yuta makes an amused sound and Jaehyun nods before flipping to the question. He reads it before looking up at Mark.

“Um, phosphofructokinase?” he chuckles awkwardly. “Yuta and I weren’t really planning on working on this right now.” Yuta laughs and elbows Jaehyun.

“Hey! We did the first page, okay!” Jaehyun exclaims and Mark finds himself laughing along with them. It’s nice. He hasn’t spoken too much to Jaehyun, but he likes sitting together on Tuesdays. He laughs at all of Mark’s dumb comments and only made fun of him once when he misspelled ‘oxaloacetate’ three separate times.

They spend the period chatting, only answering questions when their teacher passes by their desks as she makes her rounds of the room. Mark’s thighs are starting to feel the stretch from straddling his chair for so long, but it’s hard to notice when he’s laughing so hard he snorts at the stories Yuta and Jaehyun tell. Yuta’s finger is in a splint because he was playing basketball with Johnny--a mutual friend all three of them have--and he fractured his finger trying to show off for a cute girl. It turns out Mark actually knows two of Jaehyun’s younger brothers, has class with one of them. Mark kind of wonders how he managed to miss Jaehyun the past couple of years. He’s friends with Johnny, who’s Jaehyun’s co-captain as well as Mark’s dance captain’s boyfriend. Mark has a class with one of his brothers, dances with another, and his best friend hangs out with the third. Truly how Mark made it this far without even knowing who Jaehyun is is frankly impressive.

Mark walks out that class still grinning at a dumb joke Yuta had made, a warm feeling settling in his stomach. Jaehyun walks with him downstairs, their lockers on the same floor. “You’re gonna come to a lax game, right? I’ll tell you when the good ones are.” Jaehyun asks, eyes alight with mirth. Mark nods emphatically.

“Yeah dude! Of course! I promise I’ll make it to at least two, I’m sure there will be games when I’m not preparing for the spring showcase.” Mark tries not to trip over his feet or his words as they approach Jaehyun’s locker. Jaehyun smiles widely and Mark notices his deep dimples once again. They suit him, making Jaehyun devastatingly….cute.

“Great! See you tomorrow Mark.” Jaehyun claps him on the shoulder and joins the knot of tall guys with lacrosse sticks, probably Jaehyun’s friends. Mark recognizes Johnny amongst them and gives a wave to the tall boy before walking past to get to his own locker the next hallway down. Jaehyun catches his eyes and they share a small smile, as if they have a private secret.

If Mark is still smiling when he meets up with his own friends in his locker hallway, well, it was just a good day, that’s all.

🥍

Mark has never been so grateful it’s Friday. He’s survived the past week of endless tests, essays, and projects. He’s walking to his locker, stopping to grab his gym clothes before heading to the library to hang out during his free period, when he sees a small crowd of people. Hendery, a member of the lacrosse team in Mark’s grade, is asking Bella to the junior semi-formal dance. She’s pretty, with a short, dark bob and stunning makeup. Mark has had class with her a few times over the years and he offers congratulations to both as he walks by. Hendery gives him a high five and Bella nods and Mark smiles to himself as he keeps walking down the hallway. They make a cute couple, Mark thinks and he’s so absorbed in thought he is thoroughly startled when he hears a shout of “Mark!” from a few steps away.

Mark jumps and looks up. A handful of feet away are Jaehyun, Yuta, and Taeyong. Mark realizes it must’ve been Taeyong who called out to him, they are on the dance team together after all. He walks over to the group of three, waving as he approaches.

“Hey guys! Taeyong, hi.” He smiles widely and Taeyong looks ever-so-slightly puzzled.

“Hey there Markie. You know Jaehyun and Yuta, right?” Taeyong gestures at the two boys next to him and Mark nods.

“Yeah, we have biochem together, and Jaehyun and I share a gym too.” Jaehyun smiles brightly, dimples and all, at that.

“Ready for the game today?” he asks and Mark nods, laughing good-naturedly.

“I’m always on your team, bro, don’t get too competitive. And since I’m always on your team I’m sure we’ll win.” Taeyong and Yuta share a snort and Yuta gives Jaehyun a pointed look. Jaehyun flushes faintly. He clears his throat and turns his attention back to Mark.

“Were you planning on going to the homecoming game?” he asks, and Mark is only mostly confused at where the question is coming from. They have some mutual friends, but Mark doesn’t really _know_ Jaehyun, they’ve barely had a conversation before. Also, he _wasn’t_ planning on going to the game, Taeyong knows this. Mark had mentioned his plans with Hyuck and Henderson’s during practice. He shakes his head.

“I wasn’t really, I don’t know anyone on the team, and certainly not close with anyone going.” Mark replies. Jaehyun laughs awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Well, we’re going, and you know us! So you should come. It’s against our rivals, it’ll be an interesting game, I promise.” Jaehyun shrugs, shoulders tight. “But you don’t have to, I mean, if you have plans or something.”

Mark thinks for a moment, shocked. He _does_ have plans. Ones he was looking forward to--getting tipsy with his best friends is a good way to celebrate the end of the term, and Mark definitely needed to unwind. But something stops him from just brushing off the offer, telling Jaehyun about his very real plans. The same something possesses him to open his mouth and say, “sure! But you’re gonna have to explain how everything works to me, I’m hopeless at basketball.” Jaehyun laughs and slaps gently at Mark’s shoulder. Mark laughs along, shooting Taeyong a confused look. Taeyong merely grins and tugs on Yuta’s arm, suggesting they all go to grab a snack before Mark and Jaehyun have gym. Mark trails after the group, Yuta already ruffling Taeyong’s hair and Jaehyun slapping Yuta’s hands away from him. But then Jaehyun stops, makes eye contact with Mark, and waits for him to catch up. He smiles down at Mark as they walk side-by-side.

Jaehyun is careful not to leave his side all night. The game is amazing, Jaehyun whispering rules and strategy in Mark’s ear as the players race against the buzzer. They laugh loudly when Yuta, who is keeping score on the big led board, messes up the time and points. They talk conditioning for lacrosse and dance. Mark mentions offhand that he runs every Monday morning around the reservoir in the park, and Jaehyun asks if he would mind a running buddy. It’s a blur and before Mark knows it he’s grinning to himself as he walks down the stairs, alone for the first time that evening, still laughing at the parting joke Yuta and Johnny had made.

It’s not until Mark is sitting on the bus home that he realized he’s definitely blowing off his prior plans. A few seconds after he reconciled that thought Mark is struck by another. He _likes_ Jaehyun. The thought flies into his head as an epiphany, and it feels not unlike being struck by lightning. There is no slow, dawning realization or a metaphorical light bulb; just a _huh, I think I like Jaehyun_. Plain and simple. He smiles, a little stupidly, to himself, looking down at the text he had just sent asking to be excused from movie night. His heart is beating just a tad faster in his chest and he can’t stop smiling. It’s been so long since he’s felt the rush of a new crush, the excited butterflies in his stomach and the tightening in his chest. It’s a head rush, plain and simple. And from that moment on Mark knows that nothing will be the same as it was before.

🥍

Mark’s fingers shook slightly as he stares down the open messenger screen on his phone. Jaehyun had asked if Mark would drop him a line the next run he went on, but was he being serious? Mark types out the question again:

_I’m running on mon, 7am if u want to join?_

Before he hits the backspace button again. He should be working, needs to finish this math packet and “Ender’s Game” for his English paper, but he can’t look away from the chatbox. It mocks him, the little yellow hand waving, letting him know that Jaehyun had responded to his poke. Donghyuck had told him that was a good sign, meant he wanted to talk to Mark _so talk to him dummy_ , he hears Hyuck’s voice whining, teasing Mark for his tendency to overthink basic situations.

Mark takes a deep breath and types the message out again. This time, he hits send before he can even reread what he wrote. It’s not like he needs to, he’s typed out the same text at least four times at this point. Mark locks his phone, placing it face down on his desk as he forces his eyes towards his laptop screen. The cursor blinks on the mostly-blank document of his notes and he groans, dropping his head forwards onto his arms. The holiday break was nice and well-deserved. He dreaded having to go back to school the next day, dreaded the crunchtime January brings before midterms. Mark feels his phone buzz on the table next to him and bolts upright, grabbing for it. He jams his fingers into his desk and curses, shaking them out vigorously. He reaches out again, taking more care, and flips his phone over to unlock it. The blue messenger icon blinks up at him, and he waits for the face scanner to unlock before he can read the message.

_Sure, if you don’t mind._

_Oh haha no not at all_

_Really it’ll actually be nice to have someone to run with!!_

_ik 7am is really early, i can do later since i have first free if u need_

_7 is okay for me_

_ok!!_

Mark cringes at himself, hates how awkward he sounds. Jaehyun responds with a thumbs-up react to Mark’s message and Mark sighs. His heart is still pounding from the anxiety of reaching out and he knows it’ll take at least half an hour before he’s fit to keep working. He pushes his chair back from his desk, picks his phone up, and drops onto his bed, reaching for his guitar.

🥍

Mark braces his shoulders against the cold as he steps off his bus. It’s still dark, it usually is at 6:50-something in the morning in January, but here he was walking the last few blocks to school so he could change into his running sneakers and drop his backpack off before meeting up with Jaehyun. He waves to the security guards as he enters the building, takes a sharp right, and makes a beeline for his locker. Mark feels oddly at-ease in the completely empty hallways of his school. There isn’t another soul around, the only sounds the slight squeak of his shoes against the linoleum floors. Mark unlocks his locker and pulls out his running shoes and a beanie. He slips his backpack off, resting it against the wall of lockers as he toes off his shoes. He kneels down to pull on his sneakers, tying them tightly, triple-knotting them just to be sure they wouldn’t come undone and trip him and make him fall flat on his face in front of Jaehyun. It’s a possibility. Mark stands up and stuffs his backpack and coat into his locker, leaving him in joggers, a grey hoodie, with a beanie in his hand. He pockets his airpods and phone and realizes he has a few more minutes until Jaehyun gets there, assuming Jaehyun does arrive places ungodly early like Mark does. He decides a bathroom trip might calm his nerves. His stomach is bunched up and his fingers a little numb. He’s glad he skips breakfast until after his run because if he’d eaten before this Mark thinks he would’ve thrown up. It was just a short run, a little under 2 miles full circle, including the walk to and from the reservoir.

Mark finishes up in the bathroom, checking the time again. 6:58 in the morning. Mark takes a long breath and inspects his reflection in the mirror. There are circles under his eyes and his hair is definitely borderline bedhead. Mark scowls and wets his fingers before trying to fix his hair. It’s to no avail and Mark ends up tugging his hat on violently. Mark walks towards the senior hallway and he can hear the _click_ of a lock. Jaehyun is likely here. Mark tries to steady himself, can’t place why he’s so nervous. It’s just Jaehyun. Just cute, nice, handsome Jaehyun. Who Mark has had like four conversations with but still wanted to run with him.

Mark turns the corner and there is Jaehyun. He waves, calling out a soft “hey.” Jaehyun looks up from his phone and smiles, dimples popping into appearance.

“Hi.” Jaehyun grabs his hat, a red and blue striped beanie with a stupidly cute pompom on the top. Mark swallows dryly.

“You ready to go?” Jaehyun hums an affirmative and pulls his hat on. Seriously who let him buy a hat with such a stupid pompom. It’s too cute for Jaehyun.

They leave the school, silence awkward as they walk.

“What entrance do you use?” Jaehyun asks and it takes Mark a second to figure out the street.

“Uh, the one on 90th I think? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention to the exact street, sorry.” Mark resists the urge to clap a hand over his own mouth. He’s rambling, he knows it, but he just feels so on edge. “How was your break? Do anything fun?”

Jaehyun thinks for a moment. “Yeah, spent Christmas with my family and hung out with some of the lax kids. We played a lot the first day of break.” Mark flashes back to the conversations he half-overhead, half-joined in on during the basketball game.

“Oh, nice! Did the glow in the dark balls work?’ Jaehyun tips his head back and laughs.

“Not really. We ended up just playing some CSGO before crashing. How about you?”

“I had a good break, yeah. Lucas and Donghyuck, they’re my best friends, we made so many christmas cookies. It was fun.” Mark responds. Jaehyun nods.

“Good, good.” They lapse back into silence and Mark busies himself by pulling out his phone and pulling up his running playlist. They cross the street to enter the park, the entrance to the reservoir in sight as Mark flips open the case to his airpods. Jaehyun makes a soft sound and Mark looks up. Jaehyun is fiddling with his fitness watch. Mark would assume to set it to time the run.

“You don’t need music?” Jaehyun laughs.

“No, I just like to think while I run.” Mark stops dead, mouth hanging open.

“You’re a psychopath.” Jaehyun cackles, tugging Mark along by his sleeve.

“I’ve been told.” Jaehyun replies and Mark offers an earbud up.

“Want to listen to the dance team workout playlist and make fun of their music taste with me?” Mark smiles unevenly, one corner ticking up more than the other. Jaehyun reaches for the airpod, fingers brushing Mark’s sending hot sparks up his arm, despite the frigid chill of the air.

“I’d love to.” Jaehyun smiles as they walk onto the running track that circles the body of water. Mark hits play as Jaehyun settles the airpod into his ear. They start to run, slowly building speed.

They don’t talk as they run. Mark can’t, not really, but Jaehyun seems fine, barely panting as they jog around the reservoir. It’s nice, mark thinks, to have someone to pace to. Jaehyun stays steady, pushing Mark a little when he lags behind and it’s really nice. Despite the physical demands of the run and Mark’s burning lungs, the cold air stabbing into his lungs, it feels like very little time as passed when they circle back to their starting point. They’re about 100 yards away from the path onto the track so Mark glances over st Jaehyun before forcing a breath deep enough to talk. “Race you the last stretch?” Jaehyun just flashes a cocky smirk before taking off in a sprint.

Mark is ready though, and they match step for step until they reach a lamppost at the division between the two paths. Mark is panting heavily, face surely bright red and sweat is sticking his hoodie to his back. Jaehyun looks fine, his cheeks a touch pink.

“A tie?” Jaehyun offers a palm out and Mark accepts the handshake.

“Yeah, a tie.” Mark smiles and Jaehyun squeezes his hand before dropping it.

Later on, when Mark is changing out of his hoodie, it crosses his mind that he should feel chilled or sore, but all Mark registers is heat warming his belly and butterflies fluttering through his chest.

🥍

Weeks blur after that morning and Mark finds himself drawn to Jaehyun more and more. They run every Monday morning, sometimes on Thursdays if they have the time. They switch lab partners to work together in biochemistry. Jaehyun comes to Mark’s dance showcase, brings him a bouquet of flowers, and if Mark had to guess it was from the same deli that he had led Jaehyun and Yuta to the first day they hung out back in December. They walk across the park together in the mornings, bringing each other breakfast offerings or coffee and tea; and in the afternoons Mark takes the bus with Jaehyun. Mark learns that Jaehyun tutors Mondays and Tuesdays at a middle school a handful of blocks from where Mark lives and it soon becomes routine to walk there together.

One day during lunch Mark was cold and before he knew it he was wearing Jaehyun’s varsity jacket, name and number on the back and sleeve, through the school. Sometimes Mark would catch Jaehyun staring at Mark. They were in Jaehyun’s room, Mark was killing time before going home and Jaehyun had offered his apartment as a place to go. Jaehyun had stolen a beanbag from one of his brother’s rooms and they were almost curled up together. Mark had his laptop out, balanced precariously on his lap as he tried to figure out his thesis for his term paper. Jaehyun scrolled through instagram next to him.

Mark groans loudly before setting his laptop down and dropping his head back onto the beanbag, eyes shut.

“You good?” Jaehyun asks, concern tinting his voice.

“Just stuck. I have no idea if what I want to argue is even a thesis!” Mark hears Jaehyun locking his phone and picking up his laptop. He opens his eyes to see Jaehyun delicately holding onto Mark’s old, shitty hp laptop. He’s scanning the doc Mark has open.

“Can I leave comments?” Jaehyun asks and Mark nods.

“Yeah, of course, go crazy Jae” Jaehyun hums and starts typing something. Mark hesitates. The angle he’s holding his head up is awkward, but he’s unsure if it would be okay to rest it against Jaehyun’s shoulder. He takes a steadying breath before slowly and gently setting his down against the curve of Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun just keeps typing. Mark relaxes a little, tension easing out of his body. As soon as he does it all comes flooding back after Jaehyun rests his head atop of Mark’s own. What. Neither of them moves, Mark silently watching Mark edit his paper’s outline. Eventually, Mark closes his eyes. It’s been a long, _long_ week and this is nice. He opens them a few breaths later when Jaehyun shifts. Mark blinks open to see Jaehyun staring at him with a peculiar expression. Mark clears his throat.

“What?’ he whispers, voice low. Jaehyun smiles, but it’s tinged with an emotion Mark can’t place.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun mutters, but he’s still looking at Mark, eyes jumping over the features of his face. It’s almost as if he’s searching for something.

“What?” Mark asks again, more insistently. Jaehyun lets out a breathy chuckle.

“Nothing.”

Mark looks away first and it feels like a loss. His heart is pounding and as Jaehyun goes back to typing at Mark’s computer Mark tries to strangle the feelings crawling up his throat, stifling the words that want to spill over. _I like you, you know_. He blinks hard and focuses on his essay. His focus lasts about five minutes before he feels Jaehyuns eyes on him again. He turns once more, this time setting his laptop closed and fully aside.

“Seriously, Jae, what?” Jaehyun’s ears are tinged with pink and Mark’s heart is racing.

“You’re really cute.” Jaehyun has a sheepish grin, but his eyes are serious, searching Mark’s face in the quiet of the room. Mark freezes.

“You’re really confusing,” he says. Mark thinks maybe a more eloquent response should be in order but his mind is one endless loop of _what the fuck holy shit what the fuck_ and his fingers have gone cold. His hands might be shaking.

Jaehyun just _stares_ at him. Mark is helpless to anything except stare back, their eyes darting from each other’s to their lips. Mark can feel his cheeks growing warmer and his trembling worse. The complete silence of the room is broken when Jaehyun reaches to place a hand on Mark’s knee.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.” Jaehyun’s perfect brows are pinched in concern and Mark nods slowly.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jaehyun keeps his gaze fixed on Mark’s lips as he slowly shifts closer. They’re lying on the beanbag now, Jaehyun facing Mark as they lie on their sides. Jaehyun is hesitating, waiting and Mark realizes the ball is in his court. He licks his lips out of habit and feels his gut clench when Jaehyun follows the movement. It feels like an eternity passes before Jaehyun is moving again, closing the last few inches between their noses, pressing his lips to Mark’s. Mark is shocked still until Jaehyun starts to pull back and he’s jumpstarted back to life. He reaches out a hand and rests it on Jaehyun’s shoulder. It must be the right thing to do because Jaehyun surges forward until he’s properly on top of Mark, their legs slotted together and bodies close.

Mark can’t think of much except how _good_ Jaehyun is. He leads the kiss with ease, humming when Mark rakes his hands through Jaehyun’s hair. It is as soft as it looks. Jaehyun’s got one hand supporting himself while the other slid up his thigh and shamelessly feels up Mark’s ass. It makes his cheeks flush, but he likes it. They make out for what feels like hours before finally pulling apart. Jaehyun’s hair is a little wild and Mark huffs out a laugh. Jaehyun grins broadly. They chuckle together for a moment before the smile is fading from Jaehyun’s lips and he’s reaching out to tug off Mark’s glasses. He sets them a safe distance away, treating them with the utmost care. Then Jaehyun is closing the distance and nothing else matters.

Mark is pretty sure they make out for at least an hour. His lips are a touch sore and his pants are definitely tight. Jaehyun’s are too, he can tell. It sends a thrill down his spine, adding to the heat burning up under his skin. He has a brief, stray thought wondering how far they’ll go when the front door slams open and they jump apart. Jaemin and Jeno’s voices echo through the apartment as they announce their arrival. Mark and Jaehyun look at each other in shock before dissolving into giggles.

“Jae, hand me my glasses,” Mark says while adjusting his sweatshirt to cover his lap Jaehyun obliges and stands up to look at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door, trying to salvage his hair. Mark feels light and giggly. He grabs around for his phone, and checking the time when he finally finds it. It’s later than he thought. “I probably should head home soon.” Mark loathes to leave, and suddenly insecurity hits him like a wall. What does it mean that they did this? Was it a one-time thing? Does Jaehyun like him> Did he just think Mark made an easy Mark?

“Okay, I’ll walk you out in sec, but I wanna talk to you first.” Jaehyun sits down criss-cross in front of Mark. “I meant what I said earlier, I think you’re really cute. I like you a lot, Mark, you’re so amazing.” Mark just nods dumbly.

“I, uh, like you a lot too. Have for a while.” Jaehyun gets that peculiar grin again, but he looks happy so Mark fights down his worry.

“Yeah. I don’t want this to be a one-time thing. But also I’m a senior, you’re a junior….” Jaaehyun trails off, and for the first time all afternoon looks truly unsure. “It’s a bad combination,” he finally settles on. Mark makes an understanding sound.

“I’m like super busy, Jae. And you have lax, I know that. I like you, but we don’t have to do anything official. You know, keep it low-key. Make our own rules.” Mark meets Jaehyun’s eyes, heart hopeful. Jaehyun smiles and when he responds he sounds like he’s been gut-punched.

“That sounds perfect.” They stare at each other before bursting into laughter. Jaehyun leans forward and steals another short kiss. “C’mon. If I don’t get you out now I’ll never let you leave.” Mark laughs, bright and carefree. He lets Jaehyun tug him upright and into a tight hug. He takes a deep breath, memorizing Jaehyun’s smell. Warm and spicy and good. They finally pull apart and Mark collects his things. Jaehyun walks him to the door like a gentleman and squeezes Mark’s hand as he slips out the door. They say goodbyes and then Jaehyun closes the door. Mark stands outside for a few heartbeats, unable to fight down the dopey grin on his face. He finally forces himself to walk away, head down the stairs and get outside.

In retrospect, it all makes a lot of sense. Mark is legally blind in the moment but his hindsight is so good it could be considered x-ray vision. Metaphorically, of course, his glasses prescription gets worse every year. Jaehyun had mentioned once or twice that Jaemin and some of the younger lax boys hold unofficial morning practices. Hell, Mark had seen them setting up when he came in for his runs. But Jaehyun was never there, but he always said yes to running with Mark. What senior would get to school before 7 am on a _Monday_ to jog with a junior? Plus Mark knows his mile time is a good minute slower than Jaehyun’s, so Jaehyun’s excuse of “I want to get in shape for preseason” is just bull. Really sometimes Mark wonders how he makes it through life without literally walking into traffic because clearly he cannot read signs of any kind.

Mark knows he should wipe the stupid-ass grin he _knows_ he has off his face but he just can’t. Jaehyun likes him. Jaehyun like-likes him. Him, Mark Lee, junior, dance team captain-to-be, struggling through biochemistry, cannot run two miles without getting winded. He laughs to himself, shaking his head. Honestly, Mark’s mind is still a continuous loop of _what the fuck, holy shit, what the fuck_ and he feels like he could sprint all the way home. Mark has too much energy, he can feel the adrenaline pumping him up. His stomach is tight, and it feels like his senses have been dialed up to like, thirteen. Honestly the only time he feels this close to vibrating is when he’s over-caffeinated and verging on a breakdown. Because Jung Jaehyun likes him, made out with him, wants to make out with him again, in the future. What the fuck.

🥍

Mark cannot stand the rain. It’s a little-known fact about him, he hides it pretty well. But the change in atmosphere always gives him a permanent migraine, and he always steps in a puddle. Objectively rainy days just suck, the sky is overcast the whole time and a chill seeps into Mark’s bones, impossible to shake. Rainy days are good for hot beverages and cuddles and Mark is very much looking forward to stealing Jaehyun’s varsity jacket to make himself feel better. It’s what he repeats to himself as he deals with an overcrowded bus and stepping into the inevitable puddle. They had spent a large swath of the break together and texted when they weren’t together. Jaehyun hadn’t specified if they were dating, per se, but he acted as the best boyfriend Mark could want. They had gone home together yesterday, the first day of school after the break, and Jaehyun had pressed a kiss to Mark’s lips before heading out to tutoring. It seemed like things were going well.

Except Mark doesn’t see Jaehyun all morning. And then during lunch Mark runs from a last-minute dance practice to an advisor meeting about his term paper because despite being due at the end of the week Mark has decided to completely change his thesis. Classic junior things.

Mark counts the seconds in his history class, staring at the clock, knee bouncing. Biochemistry is next, his favorite class of the day. And his class with Jaehyun. Jaehyun, who has been absent from Mark’s perception all day. It gnaws a little at Mark's gut, but he tries to brush it off. Jaehyun is not Mark’s shitty ex, he isn’t just using him to hook up. He knows Jaehyun better than that, knows himself well enough to know he’d see the signs.

As Mark rushes to the fourth floor for biochemistry, he passes Jaemin, who smiles brightly and waves Mark down. Mark _really_ wants to get to class, but he’s too nice to turn Jaemin away so he slows down. “Hey dude,” Mark says. Jaemin knocks his shoulder against Mark’s.

“Sup. You know you’re not late, right?” he asks and Mark forces a laugh.

“Yeah! Yeah, I just, uh, really really like biochemistry.” It sounds stilted but Jaemin doesn’t seem to notice. His brows do furrow. “Oh you have Sharma right? Don’t bother sprinting up the stairs, you’re going to the science fair. I told Jae the same thing like an hour ago.”

“Oh.” Mark nods slowly. “Yeah, thanks, I’m sore enough from practice that I didn’t need the extra steps.” Jaemin laughs, slapping Mark’s shoulder.

“Yeah, no problem, bro. But I figured Jae would’ve passed the memo to you?” Jaemin wags his brows and Mark bites back the discomfort rising in his throat like bile.

“Oh, haha, yeah we haven’t seen each other today. I had a bunch of meetings and stuff today.” Mark tries to laugh it off. Jaemin just nods slowly.

“Oh yeah, that makes sense. Well, you better get going. See you around!” Mark lifts a hand in a wave and walks towards the auditorium, feeling like he’s slogging through a fog. His hands are shaking a little and the low-level nausea he’s been dealing with all day spikes. It’s getting harder to curb the thoughts spiraling around his mind. _Is this the end? Jaehyun’s been distant all day, have I fucked it up already? Did he change his mind again?_ Mark paused for a second at the entrance to the auditorium, soaked in the noise and chaos of the science fair. He took a deep breath, clenched his fists, exhaled and tried to force out all the tension in his body, dropping his fists.

Mark steps into the auditorium, making a beeline for the rows of seats where he spots his fellow classmates. He greets Yuta with a smile and reaches out for a quick hug from Jaehyun. Jaehyun allows it but quickly withdraws. Mark forces himself not to frown. Their teacher sends them to hear about different projects, and she’s a lifesaver for not giving them a worksheet. Mark splits off from Yuta and Jaehyun and finds several of his friends and listens to their presentations. He’s chatting with another member of the dance team, bemoaning practice later that evening when Yuta sidles up next to Mark.

“So, Mark,” he starts, and Mark fights down a flash of panic.

“Yeah, Yuta?” Mark waves to his friend and leans against the back of an auditorium chair, aiming for nonchalance. **He’s positive he fails. Yuta quirks his brows but continues.

“Listen, it’s none of my business, but like, I gotta ask. Are you and Jaehyun dating?” The question takes Mark by surprise. He knows they spent most of the break apart, but probably texting constantly and Mark had assumed Jaehyun had told his friends, at least the ones they shared. Mark looks around for Jaehyun, but he’s nowhere in sight and Mark feels cornered.

“Um, maybe? You really should ask him.” It’s a weak reply, but as honest as Mark could be. Yuta’s brows furrow further.

“He gets weird about those kinds of things. But congrats if you two are! Six years of friendship, I’ve never seen him cuffed.” Mark tries to conceal his surprise

“Really? I would’ve…” Mark trails off for a moment. He was going to say _I would’ve assumed he had someone since he’s such a good kisser_ but manages to catch himself. He coughs, hoping his ears aren’t bright red. “He seems so popular, I’m surprised.” Yuta chuckles.

“Yeah, don’t let the whole lacrosse captain thing fool you, he’s not as much of a people person as he was with you.” Yuta keeps talking, moves the conversation along but Mark is stuck. Eventually, Yuta drifts away and Mark is reminded that he still can’t find Jaehyun. He looks around for a bit under the guise of looking at experiments. But the period ends after a few minutes and Mark has too much work due this week to hang around. He’s in his hallway when he pulls out his phone and opens his messenger chat with Jaehyun.

_Hey are u still around? Im heading out now if u are_

_Just lmk_

Mark putters around his locker for a bit and then in the bathroom, but Jaehyun never even opens the chat. Mark sighs and closes his phone after slipping his airpods into his ears. He pockets his phone and zips his jacket. Back out into the rain. Mark trudges to the bus stop, and try as he might he can’t ramp down his anxiety. Jaehyun is definitely avoiding him, there’s no way around it. Mark gets onto the bus, thinks he spots the purple and yellow of Jaehyun’s jacket, but determinedly keeps his eyes glued to his phone. As Mark walks from the bus stop to his home, cursing the rain for soaking his sneakers, the thought flashes through his mind that if Jaehyun called it off now he’d seem like a real asshole. When Mark gets home he strips his wet clothes off, pulls on old sweats and the sweatshirt he’d last seen Jaehyun in. As Mark flopped down onto his bed for a nap, he could study for the biochemistry test they had tomorrow later, he realized it still smelled like Jaehyun.

Mark was awoken from his nap by the buzz of his phone. Groggily, he reached around for it until his fingers closed around it. Squinting he brought it up to his face. He saw the blue of the messenger icon and his stomach filled with stones. His pulse pounded and he could feel his fingers numbing already. Quickly Mark swiped onto his phone so he could read the message. And then immediately wished he hadn’t.

_Hey I’m really sorry about this but we’re done. This just wasn’t really working for me and I don’t want to be in a relationship this point in senior year. Especially with the lacrosse season starting. I know how shitty it is to do this like this and you deserve so much better but I just can’t be with you anymore. You’re an amazing person Mark this just wasn’t working out. I’m sorry._

_I only meant for us to be friends but I’m an idiot and got caught up in more than just that. It didn’t turn out how I thought it would and I’m really sorry it turned out like this._

Mark was completely numb. His mouth hung open as he read the encapsulated words over and over. Distantly he was aware that he needed to respond, but Mark wasn’t sure he had any words. He wasn’t sad or angry, the only emotion he could identify was disbelief. And disappointment. In himself mostly, that he really thought that this would work, that Jaehyun really wanted to be with him. With shaking fingers he pressed on Donghyuck’s contact, hitting the call button. Hyuck picked up on the third ring with an annoyed _what Mark_. Mark just sent the screenshot to their chat, unable to form the words. He knew Hyuck received it when he let out a sad coo and Mark felt his heart shatter.

“Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry.” Mark hummed sadly.

“What do I say Hyuck?”

“How do you feel?” Mark floundered for a second before Hyuck cut him off. “You know what, leave him on read. He deserves it the absolute fucking dick. Come on, change this to a facetime. You can pace around your bedroom and vent.” Mark nods even though Hyuck couldn’t see it. He switched the call and just seeingHyuck’s orange hair and favorite black hoodie made him feel marginally better.

“Aw, Mark,” Hyuck started and he realized he’d been crying. “Go on, pace. I know you’ll feel better. He’s a fucking idiot that just blew his only chance with _the_ Mark Lee.” Mark let out a wet chuckle.

“Thanks Hyuck.” Donghyuck smiled sadly. They talked for hours, studying as they talked. Eventually, Mark replied.

_I.....don’t really know what to say. Youre a dick for leading me on like that and then pulling a total 180 out of nowhere. I feel super used by you and even tho i know this wasn’t from a place of malicious intent but it’s hard not to. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, and I’m sorry I let you hurt me._

_I only ever hoped at best to be friends with you and the past week was surreal. You are an idiot, but I do appreciate you as a friend so, I am willing to restart and try this again but strictly as friends, no fucking around with feelings this time_

Jaehyun replied four minutes after Mark’s texts.

_Thank you. I’ll do better, i promise._

“It’ll be okay Mark.” Hyuck soothed as Mark took a shuttering breath at the reply. He could live with this.

“Yeah, Hycukie. It will.” Mark said goodbye, shut his phone off, and then settled in at his desk to get to work. It was going to be a long night, and tomorrow would be even longer but he could do it. He’d been dumped before and Jaehyun was still someone he cared about. They needed some space, but he did hope to be friends when the year ended. Hyuck was right, it would be okay.

🥍

It’s a cool night in August when Jaehyun invites Mark over to help him finish packing for college. It was almost strange to think of seeing Jaehyun in person. They hadn’t seen each other all summer, the distance building a friendship outside of the hurt, as opposed to the stifled silence they had endured for almost all of the second semester. They texted frequently as school began wrapping up, even with Jaehyun’s horrible habit of leaving Mark on read until Mark poked a reminder to respond. Jaehyun sneaks a couple of bottles of soju onto the roof of his building and well after Jaehyun's brothers have gone to sleep, the two of them swap sips and stare at the stars.

Mark knows he’s definitely tipsy at this point, tongue loosened by the alcohol. But he also feels words bubble to a boil in his chest and he’s been thinking this for a long time, he just finally has the courage to say it now. He turns to look at Jaehyun, who’s lying on his back, staring at the sky. “You’re so much stronger than me” Mark breathes out, the words shattering the companionable silence they had built between them. Despite all the hours they spend texting, it’s always silent when it comes to their entanglement.

Jaehyun glances at Mark, sitting up slowly, eyebrows drawing together. “What do you mean? I work out more, but you’re stronger than you think dude.” Mark scoffs quietly and shakes his head.

“Not like that. I was… I was so ready to go all-in, hurt later after you were gone. I was so ready to be selfish. But you… you were stronger. You cut it off before it could hurt either of us too much, especially yourself.” Mark can tell he’s rambling, eyes fixed on his beat-up sneakers, but he can’t meet Jaehyun’s eyes. Can’t admit, albeit without the words, that could’ve loved Jaehyun had he gotten the chance. He hopes his voice comes out steady, neutral. He’s still working on tamping down the bitterness when he says the last part.

Jaehyun sighs, fully upright now. He crosses his arms over his knees but tilts towards Mark, posture as open and trusting as always. “Mark, hey, look at me.” Mark does, but it’s a bit of a struggle, his cheeks red with embarrassment. “Mark, it’s not that you were weaker than me or anything like that. You’re amazing. I was selfish too, just in a different way. You’re right, it would have been an amazing semester wrapped up in each other and come now, it would kill us both to have to separate. So I took the easy way out and stopped it before that could happen, placing most of the hurt with you.” Jaehyun inhales sharply, and Mark notices for the first time how his eyes are a little wet. “I hurt you Mark, to save myself pain. You are the strong one, for sitting here now.”

Mark doesn’t have a response to that. He’d never considered it like that, that Jaehyun was being just as selfish as Mark had wanted to be. He reaches out slowly, carefully scooting a little closer to rest his head gently on Jaehyun’s shoulder, not unlike that first time they sat in Jaehyun’s bedroom. Jaehyun exhales, long and a little pained, before he wraps an arm tightly around Mark. Mark relishes the moment, trying his hardest to burn it into his memories forever.

“I guess we were both selfish then” Mark finally says and Jaehyun chuckles. Mark knows that if he could see Jaehyuns face he’d be making that fond half-smile Mark works so hard to get.

“Both strong too.” Jaehyun points out, and it’s Mark's turn to laugh. They lean their heads against each other and stare out into the night. Jaehyun is right, they’re both strong. Things will work out, one way or another, Mark thinks. But as he presses into Jaehyun’s warm side, allows himself the guilty pleasure of not moving away, he can’t help but wonder what would happen if only they stayed just like this.

**Author's Note:**

> yes i really recieved that those texts life is wild sometimes. i hope you enjoyed!! Please leave a kudos and a like if you did! Want to hear about my fics? Follow me on twt @iceice_ty


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